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You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!!
The awesome life of someone in the helping profession...and stuff.
By: M. Vazquez, MA Dpt of Behavioral Psychology

I got a message in my inbox today on Facebook that made me come to a clearly defined conclusion: I am not, nor believe that I ever will be, ready for a relationship or any kind of grown-up responsibility. I'm 23 years old and yet I still can't seem to grasp that others may actually take it a lee-tle bit more seriously than me. My immaturity and lack of, say, concern for whose feelings or time ends up being wasted is a sure sign of my inability to become a responsible, caring and committed romantic interest. I've sent just about every interested SOB to hell and gotten them quite angry and ass-hurt in the process.
And after years of doing this over and over I still haven't learned a thing and I keep thinking that I'll change. But honestly?
I just haven't felt that compelling need to want to see somebody again and much less to get uncomfortably close. Hmm.. I'm wondering what this means. I feel more comfortable around chicks but I have never felt sexually attracted to them, so I ruled out being a lesbian. =P Maybe I'm asexual? PFFTTT!! hahaha..
Why do I just not care enough or be sincere about a lack of interest? Maybe I just don't want to hurt their feelings or I feel awkward saying, "thanks, but you know what? I just don't even feel tempted to be anywhere near you in such a way. You ruined my mojo and now I can't even have fun with all this talk about feelings.."
That's it! I just cannot be honest! I am someone who would rather lie than come out clean to say, "don't bother--I'd waste your time running 'round."

I like ME right now--and my closest girlfriends--in the picture. I can't seem to feel attracted to anyone that has ever professed their romantic feelings for me and I have never even felt a responsibility to be honest--or cancel. I've cancelled before, but it's usually been with a lie or an excuse (real or not, there's always been one).

I think I'll print out that letter to show my girlfriends tomorrow over coffee or dinner and then I'll feel like an ever bigger, nastier, unlovable, evil bitch. =)

And I am SO buying District 9 tomorrow!! YES!!

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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Fee sent, and data sent, received, and confirmed. I like those words, especially "received" and "confirmed." Mmm. So now I guess it's just a matter of waiting for a letter to arrive that will say that they've accepted me into the program, or that I've been rejected. I will probably kill myself if it's the latter. Figuratively, of course.

I went over to work today to finish at least some notes from last week up to Nov 24. I feel so much better. Much more accomplished. Now I only have to worry about the last two days before thanksgiving break, which I'm sure was an impossibility for others as well to finish up before the break. Sigh, sigh. I had a rough week this week. It included getting lost various times trying to find a client's home for a CFT meeting (the address I originally had gotten from their demos was incorrect and outdated, to boot) and I ended up having to bother the consumer to find out their home location. I was an hour late and had various people from different agencies at the client's home just waiting, for a meeting that I had set up and organized in the first place. Now THAT is embarrassing and doesn't exactly represent MY agency in the most favorable manner. My idiocy and incompetency at getting around, and inability to be punctual (a BIG understatement) makes THEM look bad. The meeting which I bothered everyone else to show up to ended up being rescheduled due to my not being there for the whole fucking hour, and people had places to go. It was also the day before Thanksgiving, so plenty of case managers probably didn't want to be there and that far out from their offices to begin with..
So I ended up wasting various people's time, and affected production for other agencies as well as my own. The client's information was completely outdated in every sense of the word, and I was completely clueless, looking for an address that no longer existed out in what we call "counties", which stretch out over acres and acres of fields of lettuce, cauliflower, melons, and other produce which grows just lovely in the southern AZ climate, dogding slow-moving tracktors occupying a single-lane road and immigrant workers along the muddy, dusty fields along the side of road, laboring away, picking and packing our markets' produce. I found the house after I got a call from the client and an agency representative informing me that they would meet on another day. I was embarrassed and ashamed that it had taken me an HOUR to find a house, and I was still lost and absent from it. I kept apologizing for my absence and complete and utter tardiness, which was embarrassing and ridiculous.
The case manager dismissed my string of apoligies and was trying to be understanding, telling me that getting lost "happens" and that these things just "happen". I knew that they shouldn't, and I knew that she knew that they shouldn't happen. Not if one takes herself, her job, and her responsibilities as a professional seriously. I didn't do any of those right that day, and I'm beginning to feel as though I have not been doing so since day one.
I wasn't a very good employee, let a alone a competent and professional case manager. I was as far from it as anyone could possibly get. I was a joke. And so now that I've managed to successfully embarrass myself and the agency that I represent through my services (or lack thereof), I realize that I have 4 days worth of Thanksgiving holiday to ponder: What will happen next? Why am I not doing my job? Why do I fail so constantly? It is very likely that I will have very little production for this month and the last. I've been with this agency for several months now and I've no excuse, so will they fire me?
I've got to get moving. I have to make things happens and get myself going so I can get certified to start assessing and start billing for more expensive services like service plans and assessments. I have missed out on billing for so many treatment plans and I haven't done anything to get that going for myself. I have to start talking. I have to GET MOVING. I have to start communicating and stop hiding. I'll go to Courtney and ask her if she has any assessments scheduled that I can do and she can observe so that I can get certified. I'll go to San Luis and do assessments there under the supervision of an experienced therapist or supervisor. I have to do SOMETHING. I have to do everything and anything to get myself moving and get noticed in a POSITIVE way. I don't want any negative attention due to lack of production and success as a professional. I can't let that happen. I have to get more involved. I have to really throw myself out there and get exposed. If I can't find an address because I just lack the spacial skills to do so, I'll buy a GPS and call clients before hand to confirm meetings and to ask if their addresses are still current. I can learn from my mistakes. I have to, because I make so many of them, but I learn and I do want to be recognized and to succeed. I want my supervisors to see that I AM worth what I am getting paid for, and that I won't be just another faceless, apathetic drone that shows up just to put in 8 hours a day. I'll do it, and I'll do whatever it takes. I will. I messed up, but if they'll let me, I can correct my mistakes and learn from them. I know I can do better, if I apply myself and if I do more than what is asked of me.

Current Mood: guilty ashamed, guilty

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I finally went and took the GRE today and I am finally done feeling sorry for myself for being completely passive and unafraid of it and yet, completely unprepared. Which I probably should have been, but oh well. I'm hoping the recommendation forms will cut it for the admissions requirements, and while I did okay in the verbal portion of the exam, I completely bombed the quantitative. Wich sort of sort of screws me over because that's one of the portions that they'll be looking at. Again, oh well! Anyhow, I still have to print out the rec forms (and send one out to one of my previous supervisors), do the three personal essays, fill out the application form, and I'm done. So I still pretty much have to do everything. And here I am, wondering why I'm just not giving a damn.

My new job is giving me more worries at the moment, even though I thought it wouldn't. We had plenty of information thrown at us during the two weeks of orientation that I can't register it all or even begin to understand it. I am a very hands-on learner. I still feel unsure about the program of study I'll be going into, but again, for the time being, I'm worried about just being admitted and getting started on something.

In other news, I bought some awesome cigars. Mmm. Cancer candy.

Current Mood: apathetic apathetic

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Today I've decided: I love my journal. Had it for four years, and counting. I may not update it regularly, but it's still alive and kicking.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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It seems like everybody's gearing themselves up to leave and have some overseas adventures in the UK or somewhere far from the continent (or at least, do something that will forever broaden their horizons and soak in a completely different culture on a trip that stems beyond a two-week trek as an obvious tourist).

I still have no clue. I want to travel and actually LIVE overseas, as a student, but it's not something that I could do realistically right away. Plus, there's the whole "going to graduate school for community counseling" thing that'll empty out every single cent I have managed to save up for the past year with my two 8-bucks-an-hour part-time jobs. The thing is, going to grad school [i]for this particular program[/i], and shelling out 3,000 grand for it per semester, summers NOT included... well, considering exactly [i]what[/i] I REALLY want to do and where, it seems like... well...{i]a waste[/i].
Then why do it, right?

Well, because it seems like the "right" and logical thing to do. And it's easy. Given where I live, my not-exactly outstanding GPA (3.5, which is meh), and likely shit-tastic GRE scores, signing up for this program seems like the most logical step after having finished my bachelor's degree. You'd think that after a summer off, plus a fall semester, I would be revved up and ready to face another 3 years of schooling, right? It doesn't feel that way. It doesn't feel like I [i]thought[/i] it would.

I found myself wanting to see other places. I found myself wanting to LIVE and STUDY in other places, and I have my heart set on the UK. The idea of getting a graduate degree, or at least credits towards a graduate degree anywhere in London, Manchester, THE UK in general, definitely motivates me more than staying in my town to focus my time on a career that I feel incredibly unsure and unexcited about. Community counseling. That alone feels like a dead end for me, like the one and only option if you decide not to go for School counseling, because that's all there is in the psychology masters programs around here. No research, no developments, nothing. Just certificates that will dump off more unemployed professionals into the slashed education programs.

The thing is, I don't know what do to. I know I want to study and live overseas and I want to make it happen, but I realized that that takes time and money, and right now, if I intend to go through with the whole master's program by January, it will leave me with nothing to plan with for the next couple of years. That means staying here again and wishing I were someplace else, and studying for something that I genuinely am not interested in. I don't care much for counseling. I don't care much for being a "people person". I want to learn about how things [i]work[/i]; how the human brain functions and apply that on a psychological perspective. I don't want to make sure Charlie doesn't run away from home again, or deal with dysfunctional families. I want to learn and be someplace else while I'm at it.

I guess I just want to travel and do my learning elsewhere. I don't feel ready to start school again. I don't feel ready to take a GRE that I don't care much for.

I feel like I'm done with school, and I want to see what else is out there. What a disappointment it'll be for my parents though, if they were ever to find out that I'm not enthusiastic about graduate school like my brother is. My heart just isn't set right now on more schooling. At least not here.

Current Mood: angry bitter
Current Music: Beautiful - Akon w/ Dulce Maria Remix

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It's such a coincidence that that writer's block thingy was up today, considering I did have a wee bit of an accident today, car-wise. (FYI, it was the other driver's fault, not mine). It was our neighbors' daughter who managed to scrape off a portion of paint off of the corner of my back bumper when she was backing up. It really wasn't that bad; there's no dent, and the scraped off part can be painted over so my car won't look so shitty. It could have been worse.
BUT. I was pissed off enough as it was, and became infuriated when the mother came over and questioned my claims about her daughter having hit me. She left it at, "well, you both hit each other!" and tried to play it down and/or looked at me critically whenever I spoke. BUllshit, lady, that can't fucking happen. But she was mostly just trying to argue her way out of fault, and failed miserably, because she didn't come up to me when I went over to their house to talk. Had she been set in her ways and was 100% sure her daughter wasn't at fault, she would have made an effort to get off her ass and come talk to me/debate some more. Plus, you can SO tell it was MY car that was hit--her civic has the tel-tale signs that it was moving when it hit me. Her daughter seems like she admits to having screwed up and is really cooperative and civil; the mother is just somethin' else, but I guess it's really because she's afraid of her husband. I don't care. Admit it when you fouled up, dammit, and quit trying to cover up for your kid. I don't need my mother to represent me; why does your daughter, a twenty-something like me, need you as her PR?

That's one incident I could have definitely done without today, especially right before having to get ready to go to work again.


At least the Tiny Tots classes are over for the summer, and all I have to worry about for now is my job at the library.

Another FYI: I'm not paying for whatever it is that they damaged, I don't care how inexpensive. I don't plan on shelling out a single cent to fix someone else's fuck up--I don't care if they're our neighbors.
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Graduation. End of the semester. "New" beginnings. Finally some free time to watch the Sex and the City movie (which I found myself wanting to cry over scenes at times and scoffing disbelievingly at others). I still find Randall Boggs sexually attractive (which has been sort of like one of those "on again, off again" relationships, where you just keep coming back for more even after several break-ups and "rebirths"). And I saw a tamer version of him, in love, in Mr. Big.

And I have not lost my love for writing in between paretheses.

I'm hormonal again, which means breaking out like an adolescent a week right before my period and feeling worthless, pathetic, and depressed, though probably not clinically, though thoughts of death DO cross my mind because I feel so mediocre and thus, not worthy of existing. But again. I blame it on the horrible inbalance of hormones, which I should probably see a gyno about.

I also tend to feel rather horny, and I've no outlet. I HAVE thought several times of getting a vibrator, just for fuck's sake of knowing what it's like to have something up my pussy. Yes. I'm a virgin. Pre-marital sex is evil.

No, actually, I do honestly want to fuck someone who I at least feel a meaningful connection to in a relationship, and might as well make that first time memorable in an emotionally positive way. Also, I am a firm believer in drive-testing before buying. I don't want to fuck someone who wants it badly by handing me bits of papers with phone numbers on them for booty calls (I want nothing to do with that breed of men). I've fantasized of giving a BJ to my ex and even went so far as to research techniques, but I broke it off with the fucker before that happened and I currently cannot stand the sight of him. But for now, I honestly really haven't even gotten it on with a tampon.

I have work tomorrow from 8-12, and then again from 1-6, so that gives me 1/2 hour for lunch and 1/2 to commute to campus. Even after graduation, I don't get a summer vacation. Whatever happened to sleeping in until 1 pm and vegetating the day away in front of the t.v?

Current Mood: drunk buzzed
Current Music: Poker Face - Lady Gaga

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It kinda sucks that my high energy and miraculous bouts of motivation are starting to go down the crapper. I started out the semester great, what, with buying post-its, a notebook for scribbling down reminders and daily To-Do lists, and going out of my way to buy a Hello Kitty calendar and jotting down exam dates, appointments, breaks, and all that good stuff. Now? I hardly have the energy and concentration to sit down and get some stuff done. I would like to get a two-page paper finished a month before the deadline for my SOC class, but I don't feel like it, and I sure as hell don't feel like reading the required article about gender wage gap either. I was all over the place during the first two weeks. I was getting homework and reading done way before it was due, and now I feel like I just don't care... I'll do it, but I'm lacking the motivation.

And right now, I'm pissed.

So as it turns out, for some unnatural reason, Suyana came to the renaissance fair today.

With the ex. (mine)

Now, as if things weren't bad enough that I can't stand that fucking bitch (for a reason I just cannot logically explain other than the feeling of tension and unease and downright displeasure I feel when I'm around her), she had actually hitched a ride with him, which I found slightly odd.

Then at Happy Greek Chef, Berenice asked me if I was going to game night and who was going. I answered earnestly that Jonathan, Eric and my sister would be there. Then she asked, "Is Alex going?" I flat-out told her "no." He never went because his parents wouldn't let him borrow their cars and he was always looking for chauffers to drive his babyed ass home. And I quote. To which she then (oh so coyly and cautiously) added that Alex might be going and he might be bringing Suyana with him. Then she looked down at her feta cheese-slathered greek salad and asked me:
"Ummm...Can I ask you a question?" I knew already what the fucking question would be, yet she prolonged the pause after I told her several times to just ask me. (No, I wouldn't care to have the questioned asked. Yes, answering it bothered me since I had to lie about it not bothering me). Then she dropped the insult bomb and asked me if seeing Alex and Suyana together bothered me. I was quick to respond with a flat-out "no" again, which in the post break-up world really means, "I want to kill something". Yet, what I can't for the life of me figure out is, why DOES it bother me? I broke up with him. I no longer felt attracted to him. Everything about him (including the whole car situation and the obvious dependence on his parents) made him a turn-off entity.

Needless to say, I decided to opt out for Jonathan's game night since the bitch's attendance had been 100% confirmed when my sister called to ask if I was going.

FYI, they're not going out.

So why does seeing them together bother me?
Maybe it's because he oh so shamelessly and, dare I say it, rather desperately, has flirted with any variety of the female sex after the break-up. In front of me. And goes over board complimenting the attractiveness of the female sex manifesting itself as some girl named Vanessa from High School Musical.

In front of me.

The situation at work last week. Example: "Ohhhh! Let me see that picture!" *I hold up picture of Vanessa in People magazine* "Ooooh, that girl is fucking HOT!"

Get the picture? Thank God I had Lili next to me, and I rambled on to her endlessly about how I wanted my hair just like Vanessa's (I honestly do) and then she went on to happily discuss the hair texture, length and procedure required to achieve that hairstyle. Then Alex just went away because his entire comment had been ignored, and he got bored listening to girl talk.

I love you, Lili.

I seriously doubt that the break-up left him emotionally debilitated. I'm just wondering if his acting out is a response to having had his masculinity and mate potency threatened several times (assuming his ex-girlfriend dumped HIM and if he felt anything when she got back together with HER ex-boyfriend and seeing them together endlessly throughout campus). So, if she did dump him, that means that he has, in less than a year, experienced TWO dumpings.

Under those circumstances, his immature behavior makes sense. Though quite frankly, I'm starting to see him as a child (a 20-year-old man child).

I think I will follow Heidi Montag's statement (don't like her very much) and take it as my own advice: Looking good is the best revenge.

Which is why I just plan on looking damn good.

Truer words have never been spoken.

Current Mood: aggravated aggravated

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What do I find after years of not surfing the internet just for fun? The word "epic" used to describe.. well, used to describe just about everything and anything. EPIC win, EPIC fail, and sometimes, just plain EPIC, which leaves me throughly confused. What are these young, hormone-ridden hipsters saying? Why must they refer to something as "EPIC"? Bah. I guess I've just lost it.


Our new campus cafeteria is "EPIC". At least I'll get to enjoy my last semester dining in something that doesn't look like the inside of a jail cell. It's a helluva lot nicer, the food is waay better, and so much cheaper too. The really great service is also a major plus; the chef there (honestly, this is the first time I've see him) is attentive and just plain awesome. The outside of our new buildings may look like chromed rims, but it's SO misleading of what lies inside. I find it rather odd that we're getting a Starbucks when several others accross the nation are going down the crapper. Huh.
And to quickly catch up on my college misadventures, I finally took and passed the oral Spanish exam. I not only found out that I am basically ignorant in both languages, but I am at intermediate level. Not superior. I got all negative feedback, which is precisely what I needed to kick-start my morning. So anyway, I got 3 credits for passing an intermediate level exam for $90; the self-esteem butchery was free. There went my self-worth and ego in 30 minutes.

Look, I think I can take criticism fairly well (at least, that's what I hope) even if inside, it's killing me. Nobody likes to have their competency questioned. I've had criticism and scolding before, but I guess I just haven't taken it as personally because it's always been done in a very formal manner; that is, boundaries are clear and my male bosses and professors do not easily remind me of . But there is a certain way that my ex's mother corrects her students (yes, she's the Spanish professor) that gets my teeth grinding. She tends to be fairly demeaning, though if she's aware of that is beyond me. Quite frankly, I don't like her. I didn't quite like her before when I was finally exposed to her teaching methods during my Wedsnday classes, and that little experience in her office after I had taken the Spanish exam finalized it. She's a bit on the arrogant side. She gets flustered when her students mix up English words with Spanish, and she gets a heart attack when she hears slang. Very old-fashioned, and it showed when I was dating her son (unbeknownst to her, thank God). Back when I used to help out Diane at work at the university's faculty offices, she ranted to me once about Garzon's tendencies to slack off on getting her paperwork done (because she was a traveling queen, Diane said) and she needed someone to hold her hand to tell her how to get things done. Then she went on to compare her to Dr. Mangan, my psychology professor whom I admire and is just plain genious wrapped in coolness and respect towards his students. So, the story was Diane thinks very highly of "Pete" (his name is Peter) and doesn't need to drive his ass to get things done because he does them on his own. That's the thing, Diane said. Dr. Mangan had more experience with the real world and dealing with nitty gritty jobs that were often hazardous to his personal safety (He has told us stories of his days when he worked at mental institutions and wrestled with raging patients). He's a down-to-earth guy with a doctorate's in neuroscience. He doesn't need things to be done for him since he's had to do everything himself his whole life. He doesn't need to be pampered, and he certainly doens't need to rely on Diane to get his paperwork or anything else done for him. That's why she loves him. Because he makes her life a teensy-weensy bit easier in a hell hole of a job that may require tolerating requests from bratty professors.
*takes breath* *exhales*
Whooo! That was long. My ramen is getting cold.

And oh dear GOD, why do I keep thinking Lucario is hawt? Can someone please explain the fangirlyness?
Thank you.
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...Is because I usually need to get something off my chest before I explode in a fit of frustration and bitchyness in general. *Sigh*
Now that I got the guy, I'm feel a whole new wave of nervousness and, dare I say it, fear. What if we run out of things to talk about right into the fourth day of the relationship? Four days is laughable, but we all gotta start somewhere, right? Now I'm afraid I might be the cause of it ending beofre it even begins. What if I'm not interesting enough to hold his attention for longer than a week before he realizes that, in reality, we really have nothing intelligent to talk about? *I've* got nothing intelligent to talk about! I feel like an airhead. He's very smart; I'm...not. All I've got is a bit of sarcasm and maybe a sharp tongue. What else have I got going for myself? For him? He could get someone up to his intellectual level, which I am well aware I lack. I sure do love to talk the talk and yet lack the ability to really walk the walk. What I do say to keep his attention long enough? He likes girls "with decent intellect", Jonathan told me... I don't think I have that. I don't have the ability to maintain (or even to start) an intelligent conversation because, quite frankly, I don't know a whole lot. I'm an airhead. An idiot who likes to feign independence and being a feminist. I've got nothing to prove to him that I am the right girl for him on an intellectual level. We are so far apart in that aspect. I'm a ditzy, idiot bimbo and that will all show through in due time (shorter than one may think). I can't be vulgar. I don't know how to speak or come up with words for conversation. I'm obsessed with how his ex-girlfriend might have been, how smart she was, how much SHE made him laugh, why is he going out with me?, she's an honors student and up to HIS intellectual level, she's so much smarter. I'm...nothing. I'm bland. I have nothing to say.


At least my friends vodka and triple sec will be there to get me out of a crunch and lend me a helping hand. And I've also got plenty of homework and research papers to do and pretend to be smart with should things go down hell in about a week.

Alcohol and work are fantastic coping mechanisms, I've found.
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