Why? Because, just like continuing my relationship with Raul, it is absolutely liberating and it is good for me.
Looking back at my past entries I wonder just how much maturity occurs within the span of 6 months, because, damn; I sounded pretty stupid. Or maybe I was just feeling angry and it hurt my ego.
Although Raul and I have had our fair share of fights and arguments and differences (HUGE differences), we have always ended up getting back together to fix up the mess left behind. Sometimes it works, at times it doesn't and some issues have to be revisited. But similar to setting unrealistically high expectations and setting yourself up for failure, one cannot also expect immediate change to occur. And change hasn't occurred immediately, but it has.
So after another fight last night caused by yours truly, I sought counseling.
I don't want to excuse my behaviors towards Raul by blaming my job or my high stress level, but I can't say that I was functioning very well anymore. I was bad. I felt so bad about myself to the point of feeling sick, physically and mentally exhausted.
And I also did something terrible, which I didn't even tell my therapist about. But maybe that needed to happen, and keep to myself, in order for me to realize just what new lows I had reached. I snuck into my boyfriend's laptop and was able to extract his facebook and email passwords with the help of Inspect Element on firefox and watching a youtube video. So now that I had his password, I had been driving myself nuts logging on and off repeatedly into his facebook and personal email account. I found a few emails, one sent and three received, from his girl buddy Elizabeth, which of course, infuriated me. It infuriated me because according to Raul, he had stopped all contact with this woman both through facebook and email when I made it clear to him that I just didn't like her. The emails sent between them were completely harmless and friendly in every aspect. Nothing threatening in the least; just two good friends catching up. She asked how he has been, asked about me, said she missed her friend, and he wrote back a few months later asking about her baby and how things have been in general. BUT. I was infuriated because he had LIED to me about not contacting her anymore. And there it was, an email written just for her, from Monday September 16th 2013, during his work hours. So I was up all night Saturday straight into Sunday morning reading his inbox. My mood changed suddenly with him when I was still at his house on Sunday morning, and he didn't even know why. My sour mood worsened as the week went by since I had found out about the emails during the week. He was confused and had no idea why the hell I was suddenly questioning his loyalty to me and asking whether he had contacted Elizabeth in any way. I did become completely irate when he said that he had not had any contact whatsoever with Eliza since I had told him that it bothered me. I mean, to me, it felt like he was taking a dump on my face. He was LYING to me and I KNEW IT. I am still slightly bothered by what an amazingly good job he did on lying, which was concerning, but now I give him the benefit of the doubt as he probably preferred to salvage whatever was left of our current relationship.
But it bothered me and I let him know I was upset, but he still didn't know what triggered the sudden anger and accusations of infidelity. I obviously was not going to tell him that I got his email password and saw the emails. What I did realize after that little act of desperation though, and the fact that I didn't see anything odd or harmful in his emails or FB inbox, was that I was surely guaranteeing the end of my relationship with a perfectly good man, albeit, a wee bit of a white liar (because the reality was, there was NOTHING in any of his messages that would indicate he was cheating. Not even flirting.) For the lack of a confession, in his defense, I would be terrified of me too at the emotional state I was in. So after last night's mess and the self-induced psychological torture that I had put myself through for the past 2 weeks, including work-related stressors and an eye-opening talk with my clinical supervisor on Tuesday, I decided that I needed help. I looked for my old professor's wife's private clinic and set up an appointment. And here I am now.
I was very skeptical when the session began to take swing. Or looked like it started taking swing. My therapist was allowing me to to all of the talking, which is what therapy is supposed to be, I guess. Or maybe this is what therapy should look like when it is conducted with a willing client, like myself. I would find myself forced to continue talking when there were moments of silence, or maybe I looked pensive and like I wanted to say something, and my therapist was mindful and experienced enough to not allow moments to silence to feel uncomfortable to her. But she did allow me to do most of the exploring and the work by myself. She did make a recommendation that I begin exercising, which is something I know is good for me but have been putting off because I have absolutely learned to aborr it. Another homework assignment was to tell Raul how much he meant to me, and to let him know the positive qualities that I had in my mind about him, but I wasn't saying to him directly. The therapist also recommended, after I told her about my job burnout and the possibility of slight depression, that I take a break. So, a weekend getaway in La Jolla, which sounded absolutely lovely. So, she helped me come up with a list of coping skills that could help lift the negativity that had overtaken my life recently: taking up exercise, blogging, expressing to my partner the good qualities about him, and taking that trip to La Jolla. That was in addition to the cognitive behavior therapy that she recommended, such as thought stopping and thought replacement. In a sense, "push the negative out." It helps tremendously, when one follows the instructions. I wrote en email to him right after leaving the session. My boyfriend responded back, touched, expressing how much more secure he felt after reading my email, how much he loved me and to not worry about it. So that was that. And right now, things are better, and I realized that, wow.... I have the most amazing, most understanding, loving, dedicated, loyal partner in the world... and I was about to willingly destroy that, because of my personal frustrations, unfounded insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. I chose to be happy at that moment, when I listed how many wonderful things I have in my life, and how I have been dwelling so much on the negative that it drowned out any happy moments in my life.
I just have to face it. He is the one and my everything... I realize that I CAN'T set expectations for him and not tell him, and I can't look for something incriminating when there is nothing.
I suppose that explains why I feel a burst of happiness when I see his messages or an email from him, and why weekends hold such a high level of bliss and happiness. It's because I am with him, and he has done just about everything to make me feel safe, loved, and happy.. and THAT, there IS proof of. :)