Levels of sadness are not so bad right now. They were quite terrible earlier today, and I felt pretty close to crying at one point. A few hours of reflection will do wonders. I realized from these memories that my relationship wasn't the happiest, and that I wasn't happy. I was very busy trying to keep HIM happy that I lost track of my own needs and happiness somewhere along those two years. Maybe it'll be be an up and down thing. It definitely felt therapeutic to erase all of the messages in my inbox. Now I have nothing to obsess over and over-analyze. I'm doing the damn best I can to move on with the week. Friday tomorrow, the weekend, and no boyfriend's home to go to. I made plans to go to brunch with my mother on Saturday, made a hair appointment afterwards at 2 PM, and am indirectly asking my girlfriends if they have plans for the weekend. I'm doing all I can here. I try thinking about buying my new car and scheduling a trip to Phoenix to pick one out and buy one. I try thinking about healthier eating, dieting, starting exercise and losing weight. I FEEL more attractive, more self-confident. I keep thinking about the trip to Europe being planned for the summer and how I will start saving up for it by limiting my shopping sprees. For the past three days I have been muting out my thoughts by the loud music from my iphone earphones; I have been typing away meticulously at client charts while listening to 90's music, girl-power, women empowering music. I have been going back to my childhood and to high school years. To Freddy. To the hearts I broke in high school and the guys I ignored and turned down because I didn't like them. To my friends.
I looked back at how much fun I had in years past, pre-graduate school, and how much I had managed to tone my lifestyle down to keep someone else happy. I love to go out and dress up for Halloween and party. I haven't done that for the past two years because my ex's niece's birthday party was always on that weekend and he didn't want to go anywhere else after. I wanted to go out of town for the weekend or take one day off and plan a short trip somewhere; he wasn't allowed any days off from work and didn't want to go if I was paying for the hotel and restaurants. He didn't want to go out on the town if he didn't have enough money but I did. We stayed in to watch tv. He blew up the past two years because I wanted to spend New Year's Eve after party with my friends; He wanted me to get up at 7 AM the next day to go to his parents' house to spend the 1st. He was upset because I wanted to spend the holidays with my family and stay with my father on his birthday on April 19th; his own birthday. He said "you never asked me how I felt about that!" when I told him we would celebrate his birthday the next day and not on his actual birthday. A step back and I see it was all a whirlwind of insecurities and clingyness. He did not respect my time with my family but I was expected to respect his.